“When my child moved out, I worried needlessly”—what author Juha Itkonen has learned about being the parent of an adult child
When author Juha Itkonen’s son moved out on his own, he began to wonder how to preserve his bond with an adult child. As a father of four, Juha knows that letting go can sometimes be painful.
It happened much earlier than author Juha Itkonen had imagined. His firstborn moved into his own place, leaving behind the daily life he shared with his parents and three younger siblings.
It was fall 2023, when Sibelius High School senior Jalo began longing for peace and space. Juha’s wife Maija supported the idea, but Juha wanted to pump the brakes. Wouldn’t it be wise to hold off a bit longer?
“I was completely unprepared for him to move out. I thought it wouldn’t happen until at least after his matriculation exams or military service,” Juha says.
His fatherly caution didn’t end up standing in the way of the move. Juha took comfort in the fact that there were only three kilometers between their shared home and Jalo’s new apartment. Back in 1994, it was a different story when Juha moved to Helsinki to attend university. In those days, there weren’t even cell phones, and he had to call his parents from the landline phone on the wall of his single dorm.
“Still, the idea of him moving out felt bittersweet to me—already, so soon?”
Juha himself had long dreamed of moving to Helsinki when he was in high school. When his dream finally became reality, he felt very lonely. It took time to meet new people.
“I compared my experiences to Jalo’s situation and remembered how awful that loneliness was. Why would we send Jalo to live in his studio apartment all by himself?”
Soon, Juha realized his thinking was backward. His son’s circumstances were completely different from what he himself had experienced. Jalo was moving to a new place in the same hometown, not an unfamiliar environment. He could get back to his parents’ home in no time. He also kept his circle of friends.
“Eventually, I reasoned that Jalo’s situation wasn’t comparable to my own youth.”
Jalo’s parents helped renovate the apartment, and they moved his belongings from the old home to the new one at a relaxed pace.
“Because the distance was so short, his moving out didn’t feel as dramatic as the image I originally had in my mind, where you say your goodbyes and figure you’ll see each other sometime.”
Letting go turned out to be surprisingly easy. After that, it was time for Juha to form a new kind of relationship with his adult son who now lived on his own.
“You have to know how to let go but stay close at the same time. The ideal scenario is that the child wants to be independent yet knows they can still rely on their parents for support when needed.”
Close, unforced and effortless. That’s how Juha describes his current relationship with 20-year-old Jalo—it’s been like that all along, even through the teenage years. In recent years, their father-son bond has gained an added dimension of adult-to-adult understanding.
Juha believes that a child’s progress into adulthood also requires a shift in perspective for the parent.
“You have to realize that the little child you once had really does grow up and move out. You try to support them the right way and also avoid stifling them with your own expectations. It’s hard.”
He thinks it’s a gradual process of growing apart. Turning 18 doesn’t make it happen overnight.
“You need to know how to let go, yet remain close. The best-case scenario is that the child wants independence but still knows how to seek support from their parents.”
That’s what Juha says he did back then, too. He only felt completely and irreversibly grown up once he became a father in his thirties—and even then, he stayed his parents’ child.
The challenge of giving his child space was most obvious when Jalo studied for his matriculation exams on his own. Suddenly, Juha couldn’t keep track of when—or how much—his son was studying.
“At that point, I wondered if moving out was a mistake: at least if he were home, I’d see whether he was actually studying. I was concerned because I didn’t know if he understood how important and serious this was, the way I did.”
When he realized what he was thinking, Juha remembered how annoyed he’d been by his own mother’s interference in his study schedule, even though he was a diligent, responsible young man—just like Jalo.
“I realized my worries were unnecessary. I had to step back, not push too hard.”
Looking back, Juha thinks he did a fairly good job of that.
Jalo often visits his childhood home, but sometimes his dad takes him out for lunch or a beer, or invites him to the theater. A couple of years ago, Juha talked Jalo into going to the gym with him, but these days Jalo prefers working out with friends. That’s “absolutely fine” with his father.
Juha is happy to go see Jalo’s band, Punainen planeetta (Red Planet), perform and hang around the venue afterwards. Jalo plays bass in the rock band.
In the spring, Juha was delighted when Jalo suggested they go to Stockholm to see the Swedish band Kent’s comeback show. When Juha was young, he never could have imagined inviting his own father to such a thing. Their relationship was good, but not as close as Juha and Jalo’s.
The idea of traveling together touched Juha, particularly because the band is one of his favorites. Juha is a keyboardist and guitarist in a Kent cover band called Tönt.
“I felt so happy and grateful that we could do something like that together as father and son.”
Another significant experience that brought father and son closer happened in the summer of 2023. That’s when Juha and Jalo, who had just turned 18, took part in MTV3’s Race Across the World reality show. The program documented their month-long trek from Morocco to Finland on a small budget, with no phones or planes. The Itkonens finished second.
“We had to work together constantly, and suddenly my official teammate was my legally adult son. I think the experience brought us even closer.”
Juha already knew his son was outgoing, but that trip made it crystal clear.
“I was impressed by how sociable he was and how he interacted with people he didn’t know. He made friends easily with the other competitors and the production crew. As a father, I watched him with pride.”
“The parent-child relationship constantly shifts as both grow older.”
A connection with an adult child depends on trust, Juha thinks. You have to believe the other person can manage their own life but be available when they need help. Too much fussing can push them away out of sheer irritation. It’s a constant balancing act—holding back thoughts or opinions you’d like to blurt out. He admits he often fails at that.
Juha doesn’t think he can ever treat his child exactly like any other adult. Their father-son roles remain strong. Yet the relationship keeps moving toward a state of equality.
“As both of us grow older, the parent-child dynamic keeps changing. Even just a couple of years ago when we filmed that show, I felt I was clearly the leader—maybe too much so—but if we took a trip now, it might be more balanced.”
Juha believes one reason for his tight bond with Jalo is that for his first six years, Jalo was an only child who had his parents’ undivided attention. When Jalo turned six, another son joined the family, now 14. Six years after that, they welcomed twins, who are now eight.
Juha has spent more one-on-one time with Jalo than with his younger children.
“I’ve had more discussions with Jalo than with anyone else, because we’ve had the longest journey together.”
Raising Jalo has been Juha’s most instructive parenting experience. Juha recalls the birth of his first child as euphoric. He proudly and happily pushed a stroller through the streets, finding it wonderful to have a tiny baby.
On the other hand, becoming a father also raised difficult emotions. He still remembered what it was like to be a young adult with no children. Life changed with Jalo: Juha had to learn how to care for a baby and plan work and everyday routines around his child’s needs.
“With him, I stepped into a new role and shaped my identity as a father.”
When Jalo was born, Juha thought he’d be showing his child the world.
“Gradually, I realized it also works the other way: a child shows you the world in a whole new light.”
Early on, those moments might have been something as simple as noticing nature or traffic. Over time, the themes expanded: the father heard about memes and new bands from his son.
These days, Juha and Jalo have intense discussions about social issues like social media controversies, government policy, and gender roles. Juha listens keenly to his son’s views on different generations and their values.
“It’s really fascinating to get a glimpse of the younger generation’s perspective through him. We also joke around a lot. Overall, it’s very rewarding for me as a father.”
“With an adult child, I don’t have to hide my emotions for parenting reasons anymore. In that sense, it’s already an equal relationship between two adults.”
In the fall, Jalo will start his studies. Juha is pleased knowing his firstborn is finding a direction in life. Still, there are moments when he sees Jalo as that little boy again. When visiting home, Jalo might start bickering with his teenage younger brother.
“At those times, I remember his childhood isn’t so far behind him.”
On the flip side, Juha has seen many moments where Jalo talks sense into him.
“Sometimes Jalo tells me I’m too angry and need to snap out of it. In those moments, I’m the kid and he’s the adult. It’s amazing how perceptive young people can be.”
Around his younger children, Juha wants to be genuine and open, but he remembers he’s the adult who can’t let his emotions take over too much.
“With an adult child, I don’t have to hide how I feel for their sake. In that way, it’s a relationship between two adults.”
Juha says he feels pure joy over Jalo’s independent life. The initial confusion is gone. He sees his son’s adulthood without sadness or regret. At the same time, he’s aware he might feel differently if home life were different.
“If Jalo were our only child, I’d likely feel more sadness and a greater sense of loss. But now I get to watch a twenty-something stepping into adulthood while still raising elementary schoolers and a teenager at home.”
Sometimes photo memories from ten years ago pop up on his phone and make him emotional, reminding him that the past doesn’t come back.
“My father’s death really brought home the sense of loss and how it’s part of life. It also made me think about this continuum from a new angle.”
As an author, Juha has explored his experiences of parenting and family life extensively in his works, most recently in his 2023 book Teoriani perheestä (My Theory of Family).
Parenting an adult child and all the emotions that come with it also feature in his latest novel, Huomenna kerron kaiken (Tomorrow I’ll Tell Everything). The story follows Lasse and Marja, who had a short-lived relationship as students and meet again just before they turn fifty.
On the day the novel was published, Juha turned 50. He believes turning fifty makes life’s boundaries feel more real, especially through aging parents. Juha’s father passed away in early 2024 at 79.
“My father’s death really showed me the meaning of letting go and how it’s a part of life. It made me reflect on our continuum from a new perspective.”
On the other hand, there isn’t much room for those thoughts right now. Their nest won’t be empty for years and Jalo’s young adult life is only beginning.
“I might not be the typical fifty-something, because unlike many my age, a whole lot of time hasn’t suddenly opened up. I can’t go on long motorcycle trips; instead, I get to spend my days with my fairly young kids.”
That, if anything, is exactly what keeps your mind active.
