A painful breakup changed everything for author Anu Joenpolvi: “I decided I would spend the rest of my life alone”

Love felt more powerful than ever before in Anu Joenpolvi’s life. She and a man shared perfect chemistry, able to talk about anything under the sun. In her forties, Anu felt for the first time that she wanted to stay in a relationship. This is my partner for the rest of my life, Anu thought.

However, the relationship ended in heartbreak when the man left Anu for a younger woman.

Their tumultuous relationship lasted more than five years, and Anu wasn’t doing well. The same old pattern for Anu emerged again as she tried to break free, and she finally succeeded when he met someone else. Despite the breakup, it took two years for Anu to recover, and it shattered her self-esteem. After that, she found it difficult to trust anyone or believe she could still be good enough for someone new.

Once she had healed, Anu decided she would never again let anyone rob her of her peace of mind. The breakup had made her more cynical, but it also confirmed her sense that none of her relationships had led to something lasting. Getting to know someone new simply didn’t seem worth the effort.

In the end, the decision felt freeing and reassuring, and Anu hasn’t changed her mind in ten years. She lives on her own in a countryside home near Pöytyä, writing her rural-romantic Rantakylä series.

“I realized that ending relationships with men didn’t leave a void in my life. Dating has been replaced by books, where I channel feelings like infatuation, disappointment, jealousy, and passion. Nowadays, I personally love a steady, calm existence.”

Even as a child, Anu was at ease in her own company. She never struggled to find something to do alone, and reading captivated her from an early age.

“I’m an introvert, but I’m not exactly a recluse. I enjoyed hanging out with friends too.”

Trouble started once she began dating. Anu fell for people easily, but after the relationship deepened, her feelings would fade.

“When I was with a partner, I’d soon find myself longing for the moment I could be alone again.”

That’s why the relationships often ended at Anu’s instigation, and she always felt relief when they did. After the pattern repeated enough times, she suspected that maybe long-term relationships didn’t suit her. Her desire to be on her own was stronger than her wish to share daily life with someone.

“Maybe I was afraid that I wouldn’t know how to be a good and committed partner and that my feelings wouldn’t hold,” Anu says.

“I’ve always been afraid of getting hurt, and by leaving the relationship, I’ve obviously hurt the other person too. That’s another reason why I like being on my own. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.”

Anu never dreamed of a grand church wedding because she hates being the center of attention. A relationship and a family were her only real aspirations.

“I know myself and what I want, what I can do and what I can’t, and which things are worth worrying about. When I was younger, I worried too much about what other people might think of me. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that everyone is busy with their own troubles, and maybe they’re just as scared as I am. We’re all in the same boat.”

She gave birth to her only child about twenty years ago, and that took her mind off men.

“Until then, I’d really only been thinking about myself. Turning my focus to my child was incredibly liberating. My son came before any man, and it felt good just being a mother.”

When her most recent relationship ended in heartbreak, Anu felt a powerful urge to write. The story sketch first became a book and then, at her publisher’s request, an entire series. The fifth installment of her rural-romantic Rantakylä stories, Suukkoja ja sudenkorentoja (Kisses and Dragonflies), was released in April.

Romance takes center stage in each of Anu’s books : a spark enters the protagonist’s life, and after some twists, they ultimately find each other in the end.

Anu re-experiences falling in love through her books. They also feature sex scenes, though they are modest. Still, writing them is thrilling.

“Writing those scenes is enlivening and refreshing. Sometimes I yearn for closeness, but it passes quickly.”

It’s easy for her to draw on her experiences for first infatuations and erotic tension, but some themes remain less familiar.

“I know how a relationship begins, but I’m not sure I could describe the emotions around a long marriage.”

Until now, Anu has focused on characters in their twenties and thirties. One reader asked if she could ever write about people her own age. Anu says it would be tough to weave romantic adventures into her current life, as she doesn’t feel the need for them.

“But never say never.”

Anu doesn’t miss the insecurity of her twenties. She recently turned 60, and growing older has felt natural.

“Of course it’s sad that my body isn’t as strong as it once was and I don’t look as I did before. But the personal growth and sense of peace that come with age are wonderful,” she says.

Menopause, which began at 45, only reinforced her feeling that she didn’t need a partner anymore. Hormonal changes took away, for instance, jealousy and sexual desire.

“Suddenly, closeness and sex didn’t feel necessary.”

Anu was surprised to see how much her hormones had influenced her. Her periods, PMS, and intense crushes had largely been hormone-driven. On the other hand, she’d always valued her womanhood, so she wondered how menopause would affect her identity.

“I asked myself whether, after menopause, I’d be less of a woman and more just a person—with gender mattering less. But maybe it still does define me.”

A couple of years ago Anu bought out her childhood home entirely. The house may be somewhat big for one person, but it doesn’t bother her.

Today, Anu works part-time in the food industry. She spends the rest of her time writing and has been putting out one novel in the series per year. Balancing two different jobs suits her well and makes her feel secure—especially since she covers the house costs and living expenses alone.

“I’d rather live on a tight budget than be with someone for financial reasons. That sounds dreadfully dull.”

For Anu, being alone means freedom—freedom to choose her activities and schedule. She only needs to think about Viiru the cat. She can write whenever she likes.

“I can’t imagine anything is missing from my life. It seems almost perfect the way it is.”

Anu has never felt truly lonely, and that is because she enjoys her own company more than anything else. She stresses that in her situation, solitude is a choice, and she wants to show others it’s possible.

“If you like being on your own, give it a try. I know many people who felt liberated when they got out of a bad relationship. The feeling of freedom is wonderful.”

She’s heard many stories from the other side, too.

“There are those who never find a partner. Loneliness that isn’t chosen can be agonizing.”

Although Anu has a few close friends and sisters, she’s not sure how she’d feel about lonesomeness if she didn’t have a son. They’re very close, and she believes having a child brings extra security.

“I feel warm and safe knowing I have a son who cares about how I’m doing.”

Now that her son is in his twenties, Anu wants him to be sure no one ever walks over him in a relationship. It’s wise to keep your feet on the ground while in love.

“I’ve also reminded him that breakups do hurt, but you can make it through.”

After her younger-days misadventures, Anu was struck by Kaija Koo’s song Tuulikello, which goes: Menin moneen näytelmään muttei niistä rooleista minulle istunut yksikään (Despite the many plays I tried out for, I didn't seem to fit any role). She feels she’s now exactly where she needs to be.

“I don’t long for anything else anymore. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.”

Sometimes Anu does get a craving to travel. When this happens, she plans a trip within Finland, drawn by historical sites and attractions. But soon enough, she misses home and tends to favor her home comforts.

Anu has been single for a decade. Occasionally, she notices a brief infatuation, but the feeling fades quickly. She doesn’t need closeness anymore—she's 99 percent certain of this.

“I believe I could still fall in love, but I see it as unlikely. I don’t have the energy or the will to get to know someone new.”